Tuesday 31 August

Today is not a good day.  I can never tell why or when it kicks in, but this afternoon it has.  How to describe it.... utter unbearable sadness and hopelessness.  What's the point?  Why bother running the same mind numbingly dull treadmill every single day when you desperately don't like it?  There's only one answer.  I will never ever ever leave my children, I am absolutely and completely in love with them, so the rest of it will always come second, desparation or not.  But that doesn't make it any easier to cope with.  What should I do?  Do I go back on tablets so my days hum along at the same "fine" pace or do I manage the waves as best I can and keep hoping that one day things will get a bit easier?  One of the shining beacons in my life once said to me, only the mediocre run to form.  I detest running to form, but should I accept it in the form of medication to make the sadness go away?  I still miss Dubai right to the pit of my stomach.  Not the actual place, but what that place gave me.  Even with no money it was still a different way of life, a more fulfilling way of life.  Different ideas, different events, different views.  Always something new to learn or understand.  My children would grow up with such open minds and diversity.  They'd be multilingual and "different" would be normal to them.  Every colour, every faith, every chance to help them naturally grow into what they will become without judgement, prejudice or social boundaries.   But here we are.  In Skelmersdale.  There's no money, there's no opportunity to make more money, there's no culture, no diversity, no inspiration, no controversial opinions on anything of any significance to challenge my own forcing me to change and grow.  Sometimes I am drowning so much in the nothingness of here that I think I may actually suffocate.  And then I cry.  I cry for my own selfish sadness, for all the things I dream of that I just don't have the means to fulfil, and because of guilt.  Guilt that my children and the love from the most wonderful man in the world are not enough.